Author: kristeneryn

Y’all. It’s been a while. A long while.

But, over the last 5 months, I’ve just really struggled with the “mom guilt”.

I was so concerned that if I wrote about my current pregnancy, it was like I wasn’t honoring my 7 littles waiting for me. And if I wrote about miscarriage, I was neglecting Crew Jameson, who is still doing wonderful, and kicking away as we speak, 20 weeks in.

My. Brain. Is. A. Mess.

But then I realized none of it mattered. The ultimate goal of this was to encourage people. And that’s what I intend to do. So, here goes.

Looking back over my 6 miscarriages, the first 2 are often the most sad to me. Not that they aren’t horribly tragic, because they are. But I have nothing to even prove the first 2 existed. No ultrasound pictures, no bloodwork, nothing that I purchased, nothing. Only my traumatic memories.

Then came Oliver. His pregnancy was such a whirlwind, consisting of me panicking every single day until he got here. I didn’t even get to actually enjoy it.

When we were finally ready to start trying again after Oli, I knew I wanted (needed) things to be different. I wrongly assumed that having a baby would be easy to do at this point, but even still, I needed solid memories.

This came in the form of worshipping while I wait.

Pregnancy #4

I had no doubts in my mind that this would be an easy pregnancy. But, unfortunately, it ended between 6-7 weeks, and I didn’t know until closer to 9 weeks. During those 9 weeks, I spent tons of time in worship. Here’s the song I attached to that time.

And while I only have one ultrasound of my baby who had already passed, this song still consistently brings me joy from that time.

Pregnancy #5

This pregnancy was very short lived. I only even know I was pregnant for 4-5 days before things went south. But. I chose to worship during that time too.

Pregnancy #6 (twins)

This was a rough one. From the moment I found out about them, I worshipped. I knew that these were the babies meant to complete our family. We all know now, that I was wrong, as I lost them at 2 different times. But here’s the song that kept me going during that time.

Pregnancy #7

This pregnancy took me by surprise. Although I knew this baby wouldn’t make it into the world around 8 weeks, I carried him or her for 19 more days before finally letting go. During that time, this was my favorite worship song.

Crew Jameson

This was a shock to my system. I had put having a baby on pause. But during that entire pause, and through this entire pregnancy, I’ve worshipped. I stayed up nights praying over the walls of his bedroom. Through every nervous moment and every scare (and there’s been plenty), I’ve worshipped.

So what’s the point?

The point is, that no matter how horrible, awful, or traumatic most of my memories are surrounding pregnancy, I can always look back to the God who carried me through it all, and has His hand every single step of Crew’s pregnancy.

So.

I know most of you won’t experience exactly what I have and that’s okay. But you will experience SOMETHING. Something hard. Something terrible. Something traumatic.

But I encourage you to worship through it.

Will it solve all your problems instantly? Absolutely not.

But at the end of your journey, whatever it may be, you will always have something to remind you of the God who got you through it.

” I don’t know,” is the answer to most of the questions I’m asked these days. I live with a three-year-old, and I’ve learned that “I don’t know” is an answer he will accept most times, so it’s become a favorite of mine.

But I also use that answer on so many other questions.

When will you have a second baby?

What are your next steps?

Have you figured out anything you can change to make another pregnancy successful?

What happened that made Oliver carry to term?

Honestly? I. Don’t. Know.

I truly don’t have the answers to any of these questions. Each and every one of them a mystery to me.

It’s like I’m living in this world of “I don’t know”. And to be honest? I hate it.

I’ve always been a planner to the extreme. I meal plan. I have a cleaning routine. I know exactly when every dress up day is. When every appointment is. I budget. Everything in my life has a plan. Short-term plans. Long-term plans.

But infertility really threw a wrench into my plans. Multiple miscarriages have really jacked up my short and long-term plans. It’s quite annoying, honestly.

But. Sometime’s I think there’s a reason that I don’t know. Multiple reasons, actually.

I don’t know because I can’t see the big picture.

I’m not God. I’m human. Therefore, I can only see what’s right in front of me. And what’s right in front of me is infertility. Doctor’s appointments. Medical Bills. A precious three-year-old asking me 384,503,439 questions a day (none of which I know the answer to).

And while that’s all I can see, God can see it all. He can see the perfect baby being created for my family, even if it hasn’t happened yet. He is creating the most perfect timing for this baby to come. And He’s preparing mine and Larry’s (and even Oli’s) hearts for His purpose.

I don’t know because it’s not time for me to know.

When it’s time for God to reveal His plan to me, He will. I fully believe that He won’t leave me out of His plan for my life. And just because he hasn’t revealed that plan to me, doesn’t mean it’s not good.

Waiting doesn’t equate bad.

Let me say it louder for the people in the back (….for me, it’s me in the back), WAITING DOESN’T EQUATE BAD.

Guys, I’m quite possibly the most impatient person I know. But I know God’s timing is perfect…even when I don’t like it.

I don’t know because my plan doesn’t match Gods.

My plan was PERFECT (or so I thought). I was going to have 2-3 babies, spaced 2ish years apart each. I would be this Pinterest perfect mom who always had her life together and me and my family would live happily and healthily ever after.

The end.

But…that wasn’t God’s plan. God’s plan has had me on a roller coaster of sorts. We have one beautiful, rotten, baby boy here with us on Earth. And we have 7 wonderful, sweet babies waiting for us when we get to heaven.

And maybe that was the point. I don’t get to know, because that forces me to trust the plan God has set for us. If I knew it would be easy to have faith. But I don’t. I just have to blindly trust what’s ahead.

So, I don’t know.

I don’t know much, actually.

I don’t know when we will have a second baby. I don’t know if I will have a naturally pregnancy carry to term ever again. I don’t know if there’s anything I can do to fix this. I don’t know what our next steps are. I don’t know.

But here’s what I do know

I know that God is my refuge and strength, always ready to help in times of trouble. (Psalm 46:1)

I know to cast all my cares on God, because He cares for me. (1 Peter 5:7)

And I know that God has a plan for me and my family. A plan to prosper us and not harm us, to give us a hope and a future. (Jeremiah 29:11)

So while I’m living in this world of “I don’t know,” I will keep my focus on the one who does know.

Sometimes it’s easy to fall into the trap that this is all for nothing.

Six “failed” pregnancies.

Being pregnant on repeat with no evidence of baby.

It’s just so easy to feel like giving up. Like it’s all pointless. Like I’ll never actually see any good from this.

I assume I’m not the only one who feels this way. Your situation probably isn’t recurrent miscarriage (or maybe it is). But we are all going through something.

And sometimes it seems pointless. All for not.

But you know what?

That’s not true.

Romans 8:28 says:

And we know that in all things, God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to His purpose.

Sometime’s God’s good is something we don’t see yet. But that doesn’t mean that what we are going through is pointless.

Sometimes…it’s the entire point.

The journey. The wilderness. The meandering.

It may just be the whole point.

It reminds me of last weekend. My son, Oli, and I were going on a play date at his best friend Brady’s house. I don’t know if you’ve ever been around toddler best friends, but they are OBSESSED with each other.

Anyways. The plan was that Oli and I were going to grab lunch, Brady and his mom were going to pick up a few things from the Home Depot, and we would meet at their house.

Picking up lunch ended up being much faster than shopping at Home Depot, so Oli and I were left with some time to kill. We spent our time just driving up and down the road waiting for Brady’s mom to text us that she was ready.

Wandering. Driving aimlessly. Waiting for the playdate.

Roughly every 12 seconds (that’s a generous estimate), Oli would say something like, “Mom when are we going to Brady’s?” Each time he asked the question, my answer was always the same. “We will go to Brady’s when they get home, buddy.”

You would think eventually get the hint. We WERE going to Brady’s house, and soon….just not at that exact second.

Now, this “time wasting” didn’t last very long. Fifteen minutes at best. But Oli just kept on asking about going to Brady’s house. I’ll embarrassingly admit that I was getting really frustrated with him.

I ended up raising my voice saying something like, “Oliver Joseph! We are going to Brady’s house in just a minute! We can’t go over there until they are ready, and they just aren’t quite ready yet!”

And then it hit me.

I am just like my three-year-old.

Sometimes I get so worried with the waiting, with the journey, with the wilderness, that I forget that God really does know what He’s doing.

I find myself constantly questioning God. Wanting to rush the waiting period so I can just get on with things.

But our trip up and down the road wasn’t pointless. It wasn’t a waste of time. It was giving Brady and his mom time to prepare for us. So that when they were ready, we would have a good playdate.

The same goes for my current situation. And your current situation.

I don’t know what you’re waiting for. Maybe it’s a baby, a job, a life change, or something else completely.

But the waiting is not for nothing. It’s not being wasted.

Your trip “up and down the road” is allowing God to prepare the good that is coming for your life. Like it says above in Romans, God works for the good of those who love him.

It never says that God works in a certain time-frame for those who love him, or that God works things out the way we expect because we love him. But it does say that however things end up, it will be GOOD.

So now, as I am still in my waiting, wandering, driving up and down the road period, I will choose to trust that God knows what He is doing. That He is currently preparing the good that is to come. I will focus on worshipping, serving, and loving while I wait.

Because the good is coming, I just have to wait for it.

Grief is weird.

It makes you do weird things. It makes you think even weirder things.

And it affects every relationship you have.

I hope to explore all types of relationships, but today, I’m focusing on friendships.

We all have multiple “levels” of friendships.

Acquaintances, coworkers, best friends.

Strangely, they all seem to get mixed up after experiencing a loss. You can’t seem to figure out who is really there for you. Who really cares deeply about you and what you are going through.

Those who were closest to you before your loss can’t seem farther away. The opposite also holds true. That FaceBook friend who you never speak to suddenly reaches out to you and seems to totally understand everything that’s happened.

I know this was the case for me, at least.

It was messy, and confusing, but here’s what I did to help sort it all out.

Pay attention.

As you go through tough things in life, no matter what they are, pay attention to how those around you react.

Did your “best friend” blow this off like it was no big deal? Did your coworker offer to take care of dinner for a night? Do the people around you recognize and empathize with your situation?

When you need to figure out who your true circle consists of, pay attention during the hard times.

Weed out the bad.

As I said in my previous post, people (mostly) have good intentions. But that doesn’t stop words from hurting. When someone hurts you, put a pause on them for a moment.

I’m not saying to call them out 3rd grade “YOU’RE NOT MY FRIEND ANYMORE” style…but a pause can do wonders for your mental health.

You don’t even have to say anything to that person. Just take a step back.

I’ve definitely lost friends through my journey of 7 losses. None of them were big blow-up fights. I just had to distance myself from those who hurt me with words, or those who couldn’t (or wouldn’t) see the depth of my losses.

And when I weeded out the bad…I got to embrace the good.

Embrace the good.

People stepped up for me. During each and every loss. But it was never the people I expected to.

My boss offered to take me to the ER during my first loss when I didn’t know what was happening because I wasn’t sure if my husband could go. My respect and appreciation for her grew a million times that day.

A coworker offered to buy dinner one night after a recent loss.

Through this journey, I became incredibly close with an acquaintance, because we realized that our journeys were similar. She is now one of my very best friends. She rides the waves of grief with me.

In the end.

Grief is weird.

But through grief, I found out who my true circle was by paying attention, weeding out the bad, and embracing the good.

People won’t always react the way you want them to. But that’s the beauty of it. Through hard things, you find your people.

And finding your people….is priceless.

When someone you know has a miscarriage, you never know what to say.

No one ever does.

I’ve literally NEVER met anyone who said anything comforting to me during a miscarriage. Not family, not the two therapists I’ve seen, not friends.

You wanna know why?

Because there’s not a lot to say. But there is a lot NOT to say.

Sure, people have good intentions, but those good intention often cause more harm than good.

Here’s a list of things to never ever say to someone who is experiencing a miscarriage. And a few things you NEED to say.

Please note: Although I’ve heard everything on this list, I joke about these things a lot. I’m not upset or mad at anyone who has said these things to me. But. When you know better you do better.

At least you can get pregnant

Yes, I can get pregnant. I’m actually very good at getting pregnant, which is why I’ve been pregnant on repeat for the last four years. However, being constantly pregnant and never actually bringing home a baby isn’t as fun as it sounds.

My (aunt, cousin, friend, sister) lost a baby once and she got pregnant right after

While that may seem like a comforting thing to say…it’s not. Many of us are not ready to “get pregnant right after”, and some of us aren’t even capable of getting pregnant right after. Our bodies are going through physical, emotional, and hormonal turmoil.

Are you going to try again?

Again, give us a minute. Miscarriage isn’t this ‘instant disappearance’. It’s not like I’m just suddenly not pregnant anymore. There’s still a baby in there, which either has to be surgically removed (and they dispose of the “products of conception”…which is a super gross and harsh term for my BABY) or has to be passed naturally through mini labor and delivery. It’s a process, and we aren’t even ready to think about “trying again” when the baby we long to bring home is still inside of us.

Your other child is a true miracle

Why yes, Oliver is quite the miracle baby. We have no scientific reasoning as to why he got here and the others didn’t. However, if one of your live children died you wouldn’t want me to say, “Man, that other child of yours is a miracle. You’re just so lucky to get to keep that one.”

It just wasn’t meant to be/It will happen when it’s supposed to

So….what you’re saying is that my children died because my timing was off? I got pregnant in the wrong month/year to be able to carry a baby?? Am I just supposed to keep getting pregnant until it’s “meant to happen”? This one doesn’t even make sense.

It’s all part of God’s plan

This one is probably my favorite. And in some senses, it probably is the right thing to say….but please refrain. Hear me out. While I know that God’s plan is perfect in every way, I don’t want to hear that it was in His plan for seven of my kids to die. At least not right now.

There are many, MANY other things that you shouldn’t say to someone who is experiencing a miscarriage. But I wanted to leave you with a few things you should say.

I’m here

And then just be there. Don’t offer solutions. Don’t try to fix it. Don’t tell stories of the fifty people you know who have experienced this. Just be there.

Please let me take care of (dinner, childcare, laundry, etc.) for a few days

I don’t know if you know this, but your mind is physically altered when you experience an intense loss. Especially your ability to make decisions. The more decisions you can take off someone’s plate the better. Choosing dinner is hard on a normal day….it’s impossible when experiencing loss.

I’ll give you some time

Miscarriage is HARD y’all. Expecting us to accomplish the things we would normally accomplish in the days, and even weeks, after a miscarriage isn’t okay. We still have a postpartum body and mind, even though we don’t have the postpartum baby. And, hormonally, we are train wrecks. We will get done what we can, but please give us time.

Like I said earlier, people’s intentions are good. I’ve never had anyone intentionally try to hurt me through this journey.

But.

Words still hurt. So this is me, just giving you insight on how somethings are taken when we are in an emotionally heightened state.

I told you I had a lot to say.

This is only the beginning.

In 2017, Larry and I decided we were finally ready to have kids. And by “we”, I meant me. Larry had always been ready.

He wanted a baseball team.

A BASEBALL TEAM…..like 9 kids, plus a bench.

So after much persuasion, I was ready. But not for a baseball team. Not even a basketball team. I agreed to 2…maaaax 3.

It took us a bit.

But in September 2017, we were expecting our first baby!

I. Was. Over. The. Moon.

I never dreamed that something could go wrong…but then it did.

In October 2017, we experienced our first miscarriage. My medical care during that time was less than amazing. In fact, it was downright terrible. But that’s a story for another post.

Shortly after my body healed, I got pregnant again. In December 2017.

Surely that first miscarriage was a fluke, right?? It’s so common to happen in first pregnancies. At least that’s what Google told me. It somehow made me feel better about it.

But no, in January 2018, we had lost our second child.

But then…..PLOT TWIST!

On Valentine’s Day 2018 I found out I was pregnant, AGAIN. Three times within four months.

And you know what? This time it stuck. I got my precious, wild, stubborn Oliver from that pregnancy.

So, thats it. I was fixed. I could have as many children as I wanted without issue because my body had finally figured out how to do this thing. All was right in the world.

Until we began trying for kid number two.

I got pregnant very quickly. Almost “too good to be true” quickly. In May 202o, I experienced my first “missed miscarriage”. This is where my baby didn’t develop a proper heartbeat, but my body didn’t realize it. I carried that sweet baby for almost six weeks after it passed, just waiting for my body to play catch up.

That one came as quite a shock. Things seemed to be okay, and I was supposed to be fixed! But…I wasn’t.

In September 2020, we lost our fourth baby. This one was a very short pregnancy, but a pregnancy nonetheless.

And again, in November 2020, we lost babies five and six. They were twins. And we lost them at two separate times.

It was time for a break. I took almost a year to focus on what was actually happening in my body and working towards bettering our chances to carry a child to term.

In September 2021, I was pregnant yet again. My hormone levels looked amazing. I even got to see his or her heartbeat twice before it stopped. Miscarriage again. My seventh baby lost.

This was not my plan for my life. It wasn’t even my plan B…or C….or Z even.

But you know what?

It was God’s plan.

And you know what I’ve realized?

God’s plans don’t have to match our plans for them to still be good.

Not a single miscarriage, not a single pregnancy, none of it was a shocker to God. He already knew.

Psalm 139:16 (NIV) says:

Your eyes saw my unformed body; all the days ordained for me were written in Your book before even one of them came to be.

Guys, He knew. The days of each of my precious babies were written in His book before any of them happened.

None of my babies were accidents, or mistakes. Their lives mattered. They still matter. They existed for a purpose…a purpose which I’m trying to pour out here in the pages of the internet.

God knows exactly what He’s doing, even when I don’t. And while this isn’t the life I imagined, I’m holding onto the promises that He works all things together for my good.

And for your good. Even when you don’t understand what God is doing. Even when life seems like tragedy after tragedy. He knows. Nothing is shocking to Him. Even the things that shock you. He’s already there…using it all for your ultimate good.

In case you didn’t know this, God is REALLY good at being God.

So my prayer for 2022, for me and for you, is that we can trust in the things we cannot see. That we can trust that the good is coming, even when things don’t make sense. And that we can hold onto God’s promises for our lives.

I have no clue what our next steps in our journey will be. I don’t know what 2022 will bring for us. Maybe it’s a baby…but we will follow God’s plan whatever that may look like.

Happy New Year’s guys. Here’s to the good coming in 2022!

Miscarriage.

Even if you’ve never had one, you probably know someone who has. It’s not as uncommon as you think, really.

Grief is a funny thing. Some people heal by talking about their grief. Some people heal by burying their grief so deep no one would ever find it.

Me?

I’m somewhere in the middle.

My name is Kristen. I have been pregnant seven times within the past four years and I have a spunky, amazing little boy, Oli. I am a teacher, wife, kid’s pastor, and more. My passion has always been geared towards kids.

But as I’m sure you can imagine, seven pregnancies can take quite a toll on a person. Physically. Mentally. Spiritually. Emotionally.

I’ve experienced the worst in pregnancy and pregnancy loss.

Pain, harsh words, bad therapy advice, borderline insanity.

But.

I’ve also experienced the best.

First heartbeats, excitement, watching Oli grow up.

But through this journey, the most incredible thing I’ve experienced is peace. A peace only God could bring. I can feel my purpose shifting. I am being called to help women just like me.

And friends of women like me. Family. Coworkers. Acquaintances.

You get the picture.

So this is where it starts. With sharing my story. From the beginning.

The highs and the lows.

The celebrations and the losses.

And all the messy details in between.

Miscarriage isn’t taboo. Unfortunately, it’s happening all around you whether you see it or not. So I guess that’s why I’m here.

To open conversations. To tell the “dos and don’ts” of handling a miscarriage if you will. Physically. Mentally. Emotionally. And spiritually.

So, are you ready to listen?

Because I have a lot to say.