Plan B…or C

In 2017, Larry and I decided we were finally ready to have kids. And by “we”, I meant me. Larry had always been ready.

He wanted a baseball team.

A BASEBALL TEAM…..like 9 kids, plus a bench.

So after much persuasion, I was ready. But not for a baseball team. Not even a basketball team. I agreed to 2…maaaax 3.

It took us a bit.

But in September 2017, we were expecting our first baby!

I. Was. Over. The. Moon.

I never dreamed that something could go wrong…but then it did.

In October 2017, we experienced our first miscarriage. My medical care during that time was less than amazing. In fact, it was downright terrible. But that’s a story for another post.

Shortly after my body healed, I got pregnant again. In December 2017.

Surely that first miscarriage was a fluke, right?? It’s so common to happen in first pregnancies. At least that’s what Google told me. It somehow made me feel better about it.

But no, in January 2018, we had lost our second child.

But then…..PLOT TWIST!

On Valentine’s Day 2018 I found out I was pregnant, AGAIN. Three times within four months.

And you know what? This time it stuck. I got my precious, wild, stubborn Oliver from that pregnancy.

So, thats it. I was fixed. I could have as many children as I wanted without issue because my body had finally figured out how to do this thing. All was right in the world.

Until we began trying for kid number two.

I got pregnant very quickly. Almost “too good to be true” quickly. In May 202o, I experienced my first “missed miscarriage”. This is where my baby didn’t develop a proper heartbeat, but my body didn’t realize it. I carried that sweet baby for almost six weeks after it passed, just waiting for my body to play catch up.

That one came as quite a shock. Things seemed to be okay, and I was supposed to be fixed! But…I wasn’t.

In September 2020, we lost our fourth baby. This one was a very short pregnancy, but a pregnancy nonetheless.

And again, in November 2020, we lost babies five and six. They were twins. And we lost them at two separate times.

It was time for a break. I took almost a year to focus on what was actually happening in my body and working towards bettering our chances to carry a child to term.

In September 2021, I was pregnant yet again. My hormone levels looked amazing. I even got to see his or her heartbeat twice before it stopped. Miscarriage again. My seventh baby lost.

This was not my plan for my life. It wasn’t even my plan B…or C….or Z even.

But you know what?

It was God’s plan.

And you know what I’ve realized?

God’s plans don’t have to match our plans for them to still be good.

Not a single miscarriage, not a single pregnancy, none of it was a shocker to God. He already knew.

Psalm 139:16 (NIV) says:

Your eyes saw my unformed body; all the days ordained for me were written in Your book before even one of them came to be.

Guys, He knew. The days of each of my precious babies were written in His book before any of them happened.

None of my babies were accidents, or mistakes. Their lives mattered. They still matter. They existed for a purpose…a purpose which I’m trying to pour out here in the pages of the internet.

God knows exactly what He’s doing, even when I don’t. And while this isn’t the life I imagined, I’m holding onto the promises that He works all things together for my good.

And for your good. Even when you don’t understand what God is doing. Even when life seems like tragedy after tragedy. He knows. Nothing is shocking to Him. Even the things that shock you. He’s already there…using it all for your ultimate good.

In case you didn’t know this, God is REALLY good at being God.

So my prayer for 2022, for me and for you, is that we can trust in the things we cannot see. That we can trust that the good is coming, even when things don’t make sense. And that we can hold onto God’s promises for our lives.

I have no clue what our next steps in our journey will be. I don’t know what 2022 will bring for us. Maybe it’s a baby…but we will follow God’s plan whatever that may look like.

Happy New Year’s guys. Here’s to the good coming in 2022!