i don’t know.

” I don’t know,” is the answer to most of the questions I’m asked these days. I live with a three-year-old, and I’ve learned that “I don’t know” is an answer he will accept most times, so it’s become a favorite of mine.

But I also use that answer on so many other questions.

When will you have a second baby?

What are your next steps?

Have you figured out anything you can change to make another pregnancy successful?

What happened that made Oliver carry to term?

Honestly? I. Don’t. Know.

I truly don’t have the answers to any of these questions. Each and every one of them a mystery to me.

It’s like I’m living in this world of “I don’t know”. And to be honest? I hate it.

I’ve always been a planner to the extreme. I meal plan. I have a cleaning routine. I know exactly when every dress up day is. When every appointment is. I budget. Everything in my life has a plan. Short-term plans. Long-term plans.

But infertility really threw a wrench into my plans. Multiple miscarriages have really jacked up my short and long-term plans. It’s quite annoying, honestly.

But. Sometime’s I think there’s a reason that I don’t know. Multiple reasons, actually.

I don’t know because I can’t see the big picture.

I’m not God. I’m human. Therefore, I can only see what’s right in front of me. And what’s right in front of me is infertility. Doctor’s appointments. Medical Bills. A precious three-year-old asking me 384,503,439 questions a day (none of which I know the answer to).

And while that’s all I can see, God can see it all. He can see the perfect baby being created for my family, even if it hasn’t happened yet. He is creating the most perfect timing for this baby to come. And He’s preparing mine and Larry’s (and even Oli’s) hearts for His purpose.

I don’t know because it’s not time for me to know.

When it’s time for God to reveal His plan to me, He will. I fully believe that He won’t leave me out of His plan for my life. And just because he hasn’t revealed that plan to me, doesn’t mean it’s not good.

Waiting doesn’t equate bad.

Let me say it louder for the people in the back (….for me, it’s me in the back), WAITING DOESN’T EQUATE BAD.

Guys, I’m quite possibly the most impatient person I know. But I know God’s timing is perfect…even when I don’t like it.

I don’t know because my plan doesn’t match Gods.

My plan was PERFECT (or so I thought). I was going to have 2-3 babies, spaced 2ish years apart each. I would be this Pinterest perfect mom who always had her life together and me and my family would live happily and healthily ever after.

The end.

But…that wasn’t God’s plan. God’s plan has had me on a roller coaster of sorts. We have one beautiful, rotten, baby boy here with us on Earth. And we have 7 wonderful, sweet babies waiting for us when we get to heaven.

And maybe that was the point. I don’t get to know, because that forces me to trust the plan God has set for us. If I knew it would be easy to have faith. But I don’t. I just have to blindly trust what’s ahead.

So, I don’t know.

I don’t know much, actually.

I don’t know when we will have a second baby. I don’t know if I will have a naturally pregnancy carry to term ever again. I don’t know if there’s anything I can do to fix this. I don’t know what our next steps are. I don’t know.

But here’s what I do know

I know that God is my refuge and strength, always ready to help in times of trouble. (Psalm 46:1)

I know to cast all my cares on God, because He cares for me. (1 Peter 5:7)

And I know that God has a plan for me and my family. A plan to prosper us and not harm us, to give us a hope and a future. (Jeremiah 29:11)

So while I’m living in this world of “I don’t know,” I will keep my focus on the one who does know.